I looked around to see if her manager was around or if this chick was for real. We were pretty isolated from any of her other coworkers, so I realized she was one of those people who genuinely felt the holiday cheer. I was most decidedly not one of those people.
"Um. Thanks." I took the bag containing the incredibly expensive and hard to get doll, a present for my niece Natalie, and walked off with a faint and fake smile.
I was eager to get the hell out of the mall, crawling with holiday adornments and cramped with frantic xxx. It creeped me out, to be honest. My apartment and a nice glass of merlot were calling my name; it had been hell hunting down the perfect present for Natalie, who against all odds turned out genuinely sweet in spite of her bitch of a mother.
Just as I reached my car my phone went off. I groaned at the name that popped up- "Rob". I couldn't dodge his calls for forever, so I took a deep breath and answered.
"Hello, Rob."
"Well HELLO, Laura. I thought I'd just be forwarded again. I never expected you would actually ANSWER your phone for once. Give me a minute to get used to this rare occurrence."
I rolled my eyes and got into my car. I loved my brother but he really was a pain in the ass, and I knew why he was calling.
"Give me a break."
He sighed. "Okay, I'll cut to the chase. As you're probably aware, Christmas is coming up in just a couple of days. I've left you a few messages inviting you, just like every year since Mom died, and just like every year you elude my calls and at the last minute tell me something with work has come up. Still, I would like to extend the invitation and tell you Charlotte and I, as well as your beloved Natalie, would be thrilled if you joined us."
Again I rolled my eyes at his little semi-formal speech, drenched in sarcasm. I felt bad but he knew why I didn't come. I visited for Natalie's birthday, sometimes came for his. Christmas, however, was a different story because he also "extended" his invitation to someone else. I loathed the holiday enough already; I didn't want to deal with him.
"Well, will Nick be there?" I felt like I had to cough just to get his name out.
Rob sighed again. "Of course."
"Well... I'm going to my friend's house, I already promised her. So you'll have him there, you don't need me."
"First of all," Rob said, anger creeping into his voice, "I know you're not going to your friend's house. I called the few friends you have and they all told me you told THEM you were coming to MY house. I also called your boss to ensure you wouldn't be working on the day, or that there wouldn't be any surprise projects popping up. He had no fucking clue what I was talking about, but he promised me nothing of the sort would happen. So what do you plan on doing, Laura? Lay around your apartment and eat some Chinese food like you have for the past four years?"
Feeling slightly frazzled he went to all this trouble, not to mention busted & guilty, I snapped back. "I don't know what friends you called, but obviously you called the wrong-"
"Stop coming up with ridiculous lies. You're just bad at it," he interrupted, his tone much smoother now.
"Stop stalking my life." The comeback was lame and half-hearted. I sighed and looked over at Natalie's gift. It would be nice to see her open it. The doll was supposedly all the rage this year, and she deserved it.
"I know you don't want to see Nick, and I'm sorry about that. He's my family, too, though, and I have a pretty decent relationship with him. We don't have a lot of family left, Laura... any of us. I think the two of you could get along better if you tried."
"Tried? TRIED? Rob, I tried all through high school and even a little afterwards and he-"
"I know, I know, but when was the last time you saw him? Mom's funeral four years ago? People change, Laura."
I glanced in the rear-view mirror and wondered if my brother was right. Do people change? Had I?
"Nick would really love to see you. He asks every year if you're coming."
The warmth in my chest at hearing my other older brother's name told me that even if people sometimes changed, I hadn't. As nasty as he was, as many fights as we'd been in, I still had an undeniable and completely wrong attraction to Nick. He was as handsome as he was cruel, and as smart as he was cunning. Women were merely accessories for him, or at least they used to be.
We butted heads on everything growing up. Then at my mother's funeral- a year after my father's- we finally had our last huge blowout. I didn't go to Rob's house if I knew he was going to be there, and Rob knew that full well. He still had it in his head, however, we could reconcile. The truth was we couldn't because Nick was still an asshole, and hating him was all I had left. If I had to let go of that, I would be left drooling over my brother like a sick freak and he'd know it. It would be obvious... that's how much I wanted him.
It hit me somewhere around the time I was 16 and he was 18, and the phone never stopped ringing. Dreamy-voiced girls waited on the other end, begging for a chance to have a date with my gorgeous brother. The elusive Nick didn't date, however. I started hearing the gossip about his times in the car my parents bought for him and reluctantly overheard the tales in the locker room, in the cafeteria, behind me in classes, that made me almost as sick as I was jealous.
When we were younger he pretty much ignored me; Rob took care of me, fulfilling his role as the ultimate older brother. Then he went off to college, I matured and blossomed into a popular sophomore the same year he was away, and Nick was the lupine, predatory senior that charmed off the panties of countless girls. Most of them belonged to the xxx group on campus; it must have been a fun challenge for him. In spite of his wicked ways, he was widely regarded as a saint- St. Nick actually was his nickname for a bit. His friends loved to call him that, the reality of the situation hilarious to them.
Around that time Nick started looking at me differently, just as I was beginning to realize the extra attention and awareness I had around him was attraction. His dark brown eyes followed me while I moved around the house; they assessed me across the schoolyard or in the hallways. Suddenly he paid more attention, but it wasn't nice attention. He teased me terribly. My parents tried to keep him in line, but did I mention he was dreadfully charming? There was only so much they could, or wanted, to do when it came to him. Mom and Dad said it was only good-natured brotherly love. They thought he was as much of a saint as everyone at school did.
The torture only lasted a while for then he was off to college. He picked right up where he left off whenever he came home for breaks, but two years later our father died after a drawn out and painful battle with cancer. We all became a lot more somber after that. Then Mom died a year after that in an accident, but she had left this world when Dad had. I still missed her terribly, but she was only a shadow of the woman she'd been once Dad passed on.
At the wake I spotted Nick lurking behind the funeral home. I was 22 then and he was 24, and I thought by now my feelings for him were merely just admiration and respect and we could finally put all the animosity behind us. When I crept up behind him I saw he was hunched over. A hesitant hand reached out to touch his shoulder. For a moment the tension released and then he stood straight up. He turned and saw me standing there, not seeming surprised it was I that sought him out.
For a moment I thought he might embrace me, or truly break down crying. Then I thought maybe he'd start talking to me like we were two regular siblings and we'd deal with the pain and grief together.
As Nick continued to stare at me, those piercing eyes studying my own hazel eyes and parted mouth, I grew uncomfortable. "I just-"
But my words were cut off when he pushed his own mouth against me, those deliciously soft lips wrapping around my own and his warm, wet tongue sliding against mine. I moaned, half out of surprised ecstasy and half out of shock. My hands went up to his chest, I think to push him away, but it seemed every vestige of strength had left my arms. Instead my hands clenched his black shirt and I pushed my body into his, holding on to him to battle the world. Thought fled from my conscious mind; all I knew was Nick was kissing me, and I wanted more.
A hand ran down my side, clutching at the fabric and pulling up the hem so that my thighs and eventually panties were lewdly exposed. I remember reason fighting desperately to wedge its way back into my head right around then, but my body was stronger. My desire was stronger.
The roaming hand cupped me and long, slender fingers- cold from the slightly chilly and damp air- pressed against the raging, wet heat beneath my underwear. For a second I could have sworn he sighed.
Then he tore his hand, lips, body away from me and took three large steps back. "There," he panted, watching me like I was a cockroach in a 5-star restaurant. "You finally got the kiss you've been dying for years, right, SIS? Does that help now that Mommy and Daddy are dead? Does that make it easier for you to kiss me?"
Nick laughed harshly with disgust and pried my hands, still firmly attached to his shirt, off of him. He eyed me up and down like I was the ultimate slut and whispered in a low but firm voice, "Well, I hope you got what you fucking wanted. Maybe now that Mom's dead you'll try to fuck me, hmm?" He stepped further away from me and it began to drizzle, catching in his hair that was dark brown like mine and in those long eyelashes the girls always went on about. Nick never looked more beautiful, or more terrifying. He spat on the ground and then looked up at me, his glare lethal and serious. "Don't even bother trying. You repulse me."
He spun around, leaving me in the rain. When I put myself together and managed to go back inside, my other brother Rob saw my pale face and thought I was just upset about Mom. Then he noticed how I shrank whenever Nick came near, or whenever someone mentioned his name.
Rob eventually cornered me and asked me what happened. I just admitted to a fight; I couldn't tell Rob what happened. How could he ever understand? What would he think of me? He stayed near me that day, watching me carefully... almost knowingly. But he didn't know, of course. How could he?
The next day was the funeral and I hung around with the rest of the family, keeping my distance from Nick. I always felt his eyes on me, and the thought made me shudder. I feared him but loved him more, I realized that day, as they lowered my mother in the ground to join my father. How sick was that?
So I stayed away. It was easy, really. I lived in New York, Rob lived in Jersey, and a few months after Mom died Nick got a promotion and moved out to California. It was probably to escape me. He rarely came out east. Just for Christmas now, it seemed.
I doubted Nick asked every year if I was coming, and I doubted even more that he'd "love" to see me. I'm sure he probably asked to be polite and Rob was making it sugary so that I'd think I was welcome.
I replayed that day often, feeling the ultimate loss of both my parents so acutely and the shame of loving a brother in such an inappropriate way as freshly as the day it happened. I just didn't see how I could go.
"And Natalie," Rob added, a desperate note leaping into his voice. "She always asks why you don't come with Santa, Laura. Think about Natalie. She'd love it if you came this year."
"Rob..." I sighed, rubbing my face and wondering if I really could face Nick. I doubted my love for him had diminished in the slightest, but perhaps I'd matured enough to hide it.
I really didn't want to spend another Christmas alone. I missed Mom and Dad singing along badly to Christmas music, and Rob eating way too much. I missed getting presents from my family and giving ones in return. I just missed so much, and staring at the freshly wrapped package, thinking back to how much of an asshole Nick was and probably still continued to be, I grew pissed off and indignant that I let him keep me away.
"I'll be there," I said suddenly. The words popped out before I even really thought about it.
"Wait, what? Really?" The excitement in Rob's voice told me I was doing the right thing. I could almost feel Mom patting me on the shoulder, telling me I was being a good girl. "I can't wait to tell Charlotte and Natalie. Nick's here already- spending the week- so I can't wait to tell him, too. And of course you're coming over Christmas Eve, also, so you'll spend the night and then we have all of Christmas Day so you should really stay that night, as well. Three days with you, practically. Awesome Be here around 5:30, okay?"
"Rob You said Christmas DAY A day"
My words went unheard; he'd already hung up.
I started my car and groaned. What had I done?
I tried to drive as slowly as possible on my way to Rob's, thinking somehow on my journey my situation would change. Perhaps he'd call and cancel. Maybe I'd get a flat tire. Even better- a merciless blizzard.
Unfortunately the skies were clear, it was unseasonably warm, my phone was silent, and my car went on smoothly.
I was never much of a religious person, and I hardly prayed, but I prayed to Mom and Dad on my ride over. I prayed I wouldn't feel the same about Nick, or that if I did I could hide it. That he wouldn't know. That he'd be different. That whatever happened, they would look out for me.
I didn't get an answer or a sign before I reached Rob's house- I didn't really expect to- but suddenly I was there and I could only hope they heard me, wherever they were.
Rob's house was the brightest on the block. I wasn't shocked. I parked, hooked my small overnight back over my shoulder, and managed to grab my bag full of presents.
By the time I reached the front door, it was swung open and a four year old girl was flying towards me. I nearly dropped everything as Natalie wrapped her short arms around my waist as best she could.
"Aunt Laura" She was truly happy I was there, and it made me feel better for coming.
She clung to my xxx as I made it up the walkway and met my grinning brother. "Hello, Rob."
He ripped the xxx from my hands but placed them gingerly on the floor next to him and wrapped me up in an extra tight hug. "Thanks for coming," he whispered in my ear.
Natalie was shrieking with excitement and still happily tugging on my xxx. I obviously hadn't paid her enough attention. I stepped away from Rob, who was carrying my xxx over to the blindingly bright tree, and pulled her up until her face leveled with my eyes.
"Hey, baby," I laughed, covering her face with little kisses as she giggled with delight.
I saw Charlotte walk out of the kitchen and tried to ignore the surging, overwhelming sense of dislike I had for her. My real smile morphed into a fake one as I greeted her.
She didn't bother to smile back, but said hello politely enough. Then she remarked, "You got so skinny." Her tone told me in her eyes I looked like shit. I tried to let it roll off me and I just went back to tickling and kissing my little niece.
Then it felt like every hair on my body rose, every nerve ending set to tingling, my heart started thudding heavily, and my breathing became quick and difficult. My back straightened as I realized he'd entered the room. My smooches stopped. Natalie kept kissing me and I tried to laugh back, but I just felt drained.
I let her down but she took my hand firmly, intent on keeping me close with her the whole evening it seemed.
Then I looked up and my eyes were filled with him, standing at the bottom of the stairs in a dark green sweater and snug jeans. He hadn't changed much physically in four years; he was still unbelievably good-looking with dark eyes and perfectly angular features. It was still a shock to see him, but what had me truly puzzled was the genuine smile on his face.
"So she DOES exist," he joked, smiling at me wickedly like we shared an intimate secret only the two of us knew.
And we did.
I knew looking at him in that moment that without a doubt he was thinking of that day we kissed, in spite of the the supposed smile on his face. His eyes were shrewd and scanning me in my form-fitting xxx and panty-hosed legs. The burgundy dress I wore below just skimmed the bottom of my black xxx, coming up a few inches above my knees. I saw him looking at that particularly.
"Nick," was all I said with a polite nod.
"Hello, Laura. Merry Christmas."
Natalie giggled beside me. "It's not Christmas yet, Uncle Nick"
She yanked on my hand and grinned at me, and I tried my hardest to smile back. Charlotte finally realized her duties as hostess and came over to get my xxx. I tried to ignore the prickly tingles running up and down my body as Rob brought me out to the dining room and poured me a generous glass of wine.
"Straight rum for you, bro?" he asked Nick.
"You got it." The reply came close- far too close.
Turning my head minutely, I realized my brother was behind me. In fact he was practically on top of me. Our gazes caught and one corner of his mouth lifted up. Whether it was innocent or meant to be a challenge, I couldn't be certain.
Then we sat down to dinner. Of course Nick was across from me. He watched me as I cut into my meat, laughed at Rob's terrible jokes, hid my rolled eyes at Charlotte's never-ending stock of complaints. Sometimes I wondered if I just imagined his eyes on me. Why would he be watching me? But a few times I peeked over, unable to stop my eyes from moving in his direction, and each time he WAS staring at me intently. It wasn't even just that he was watching me; it was like he was soaking me in. Every gesture, every movement, every word was catalogued by him for some reason. It made me edgy and nervous, but it also flattered me, too.
Every time I found myself growing too comfortable, too thrilled by his obvious attention, I remembered my mother's funeral and I zapped back to reality. This was a game. It was all a game. He was testing me.
Sometime after dinner I realized I was drunk. Rob had been quite liberal while dispensing the wine and I hadn't been paying attention. Now I laughed whenever Charlotte said something ridiculous, and though Rob scowled at me he didn't reprimand me. Nick laughed along.
It was eventually time for Natalie to go to sleep. I teetered with her upstairs since she demanded I be the one to tuck her in, and we both laughed when I fell on the eighth step. Rob and Charlotte didn't find it as amusing, but they watched silently as we made our way up the rest of the steps and down the hall to my beautiful niece's room.
She cutely hopped into bed and demanded I tell her a story.
"Should I tell you about Santa?" I laughed, slurring my words. Some impression I was leaving on poor Natalie.
She shook her head dramatically, all wide and shining eyes. Ah, to be a kid again. Then she spoke her request.
"I want to hear about you and Uncle Nick."
Every muscle froze. I looked at her long and hard for a long while, my drunken mind trying to make sense of her words.
Finally I asked "What do you mean?" slowly, trying not to slur and desperately filtering foggy thoughts through my brain.
"How you met," she giggled, rolling her eyes like I was an idiot. "Mommy and Daddy met at school. How'd you meet Uncle Nick?"
I stared at her in wonder. What the hell was she talking about? "Uncle Nick is my brother, just like Daddy is my brother."
She yawned, not really paying attention to my words anymore, and snuggled into her blankets. She told me to tuck her in as "snug as a bug", which I did through a haze of inebriation and confusion. I didn't want to broach the subject again, but I couldn't figure out her question.
"Goodnight, Aunt Laura," she whispered sleepily, fluttering her eyes shut and effectively dismissing me from her room.
I wobbled as I stood and turned the lights out. Her whisper held me back.
"Uncle Nick loves you like Daddy loves Mommy. So happy we're all here for Santa. Love you. Nighty."
I had no words. I closed the door over and again made my way down the perilous steps. Only Rob and Nick sat in the living room, laughing and watching a sports game together. They each held a beer and obviously had too much to drink, too.
"Where's Charlotte?" I asked, hardly able to get the words out.
"Bed," Rob muttered, looking me over disapprovingly, "which is where you should go. You're drunk, Laura."
"I don't think I've ever seen Laura drunk," Nick added, sounding far more sober than either one of us.
My eyes snapped to him and took in his challenging (at the time it seemed challenging, at least) smile and glowing eyes.
Rob stood and stretched. "I'm off. Maybe you two should hang for a bit. It's been a long time." He smiled at me and ruffled my hair. "So glad you came, Laura."
Then he was up the stairs and down the long hall, and I was left with the brother I thought I'd never see again.
"Sit down, Sis." Nick's voice floated over to me, the words and tone caressing my body and making my eyes close tight. He hissed the "Sis" provocatively.
Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself seated next to probably the only person on earth who could really hurt me. Who really had hurt me. A nearly full bottle of wine sat dangerously close to me on the coffee table, and for a moment I longed to reach and grab it. As drunk as I was, I still felt I needed courage when it came to Nick.
He must've noticed me looking at it because he wordlessly picked it up and handed it to me. When I didn't take it, he nudged me with his shoulder. Just that touch had me vibrating with years' worth of pent up tension.
I took it because I didn't know what else to do, and gulped down a healthy amount before I really thought about what I was doing.
"So how are you these days, Sis?"
Peeking out at him from the corner of my eyes, I determined he wasn't teasing me in spite of how much he knew I hated being called "Sis". Perhaps he'd forgotten. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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